Budgeting for self care
Investing in my healing
Last year I spent a lot of time using The Wheel of Life tool to regain a higher level of awareness regarding where healing existed in my life. I was determined to recognize healing in my Self so that I could apply that healing to the areas where my triggers were holding me back. (After reading this, if you want more info on the Wheel of Life assessment, contact me for free access.)
It was October & it was about to be high spending season. Money matters were heavy on my mind. It was an obvious wound affecting multiple areas of my life. The holiday season, I knew I was going to have to really buckle down and be more INTENTIONAL than ever about healing my relationship with my finances.
I had really assess where I was at currently. Really look into my current financial state, no matter how daunting it seemed. For me, in particular, finances represent deep seeded generational wounds (re: in terms of my ancestors facing poverty), my reconciliation with the wound of my student loan debt program, poor decision making skills and honestly a general brain damage block.
As a person living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I have to be accountable to the real wounds adverse experiences have created within my internal processing systems, or brain. There is an actual diagnosis for different kinds of processing disorders (auditory, visual & sensory). Essentially, the brain is unable to process the information that their senses is exposed to. I have an auditory processing symptom that makes it very easy for me to process some sounds, and very difficult to process others. Particularly fluid concepts like directions, density, size, currency, numerical systems. I have to be able to process information visually, or with a process that includes more than one sensory system.
Long story short, if I can't see it or feel it--my brain has a hard time processing it. This comes from a wound of silence. As a child I was holding onto very big secrets, for such a small girl. This secret lived within me for more than 20 years. Since I have been able to use my voice to communicate the wound that I have been hiding my communication blockages have been dissolved. I am more fully awareness of my needs for communication & and I am able to assert my truth and my needs without fear of the response. When I communicate from a place of healing, I can trust my words to be intentional. When I communicate from my wound, my relationships become wounded.
My relationship with money has always been wounded, I believe. To be fair, had my parents had the real truth, they probably would have known what my brother & I needed during those darker years. Unfortunately, they did what they could--which is something their parents hadn't always been able to do for them. We were decently spoiled growing up. My parents are successful and indulgent. My brother and I were privileged the way most middle-class white children were. My identity as a black woman suffered from this dichotomy.
When I was first able to start making my own money, I jumped right into the world of part-time work. I had the BEST first job, at Target haha You can imagine how much my paycheck I actually saved....yea...$0.00. Then, after a fears years of that, I moved to Old Navy and Abercrombie & Fitch. Again, saving $0.00 and reinvesting my paychecks back to my retailers. Like a fool. But looking back, I wasn't open to support from my parents, or open to communicate with them about my needs to save money--hell, I didn't even understand that I needed to save money. I was always taken care of, my mistakes were always handled and I had no true way to process the consequences of having an unhealthy financial disposition (in the world of Capitalism).
At that point in my life, I should have been empowered to invest in my Self. Plant my earnings like seeds, taking only what I needed as I needed it. Using it's goodness for wellness, nourishment & resources that can sustain. It took me until I had children of my own that my unhealthy financial disposition created some serious obstacles and challenges. Something in my control, that could negatively effect my children's well-being and potentially the sacredness of our relationship??? Say no more.
Healing this relationship required commitment and accountability. I genuinely took a really deep look into my debts, my budget (?? wtf), my daily expenses (appalling) & what I really needed to be re-orienting my financial flow towards. I did have strengths! I couldn't take all of my actual skills away from myself. I was really able to squeeze a lot out of my paychecks & get all of our needs met. But I still wasn't able to slow my hustle, as I was really focusing on easy come, easy go. Not long term resourcefulness that allowed me to save--providing access to financial freedom. Because even though I hate it, money DOES make the world go round...
This week, and up until the next New Moon-I encourage you too take a sneaky peak under the hood of your current finances. I quit buying coffee on my way to work (I saved about $95 a month). I shit you not! I put that $95 back into my business and added coffee to my grocery list more often. DUH! I was over spending on personal products that would sit half empty collecting dust, while others got emptied and refilled between trying other this's and that's. Why did I need all of those products??? I prefer to make my own regardless! So I narrowed my essentials down to just that! My favorites stuck around, new things got rotated when I made new discoveries, but over all this has saved me an additional $50-60 a month! I started embracing more natural beauty routines and rituals for my Self.
Of course, I am indulgent, as that's how my family has always approached life! A good set of acrylics and supporting my favorite local eateries will always be apart of my budget, but always a part of my relaxation, wellness and stress reducing activities! I was intentional, I used discernment and I really eliminated the clutter that was keeping my relationship with money confusing, unclear and unstable. I took my risks, I spread my wealth out, I inventoried my property in my minds eye. I took the time to create a lifestyle that allowed my to work from 8am-4pm everyday and also to be grooming my personal business as well.
I empower you to ask your Self what and who you are investing in. How are your financial practices hindering your well being? I know that feeling all to well, and I am glad I took the time to heal that relationship. Invest in your wellness, invest in the things that add healing to your life. Practice resourcefulness and better self regulation. Join me in the doing THE WORK. One of the biggest healing tools, that I will always for back to is internal validation. Stop letting capitalism tell you how to spend you money! Build the life you dream of by ignoring external influences that make you doubt that your life is good enough without having to buy more.
Love,
Q