Fake it until you become it
It's something a choreographer once said to me...
Don't just fake it until you make it, become it. Especially on stage, but alas, that's what life is anyways, isn't it?
At least for some of us, life seems to be a stage. I know I can't be the only one who feels like their whole life came with a detailed job description; except it’s written in a different language, on a treasure map, hidden across the time space continuum...
Faking it is sometimes the only choice we have at times, but that doesn't mean we aren't putting our best foot forward, or doing exactly what we think we're supposed to. Unless you truly aren't or don't, in which case, I'm sure you can still relate! The problem then becomes, once we "become" whatever we've been faking, it turns out we've "become" someone else; hardly a reflection of ourselves.
This is the space I am currently living in, in some areas of my life--luckily not all. How do I let go of these character roles I've learned to fill for people? How do I assert my genuine feelings? Because sometimes when I say 'Yes', I really mean 'No, thank you'. Sometimes when I say 'I know exactly what you mean', I genuinely do not. Sometimes when I say 'definitely!', I wish I had the balls to say 'not' afterwards. Sometimes I let shit pass, because I don't have the time or the patience to hold space for those who are out of touch.
I know that feelings like this brings obstacles and difficulties--so says the law of attraction. My black tar attitude about "certain areas" of my life attracts more black tar bullshit in those areas...yadayadayada. I get it. So I reframe.
I don't feel better about this bullshit right away of course. But if I can find the silver lining on said bullshit, I will have the leverage I need to move forward with more confidence and less self loathing.
If you can't tell from this post, I don't have all of the answers today...not even to my own problems. Being a Spiritual Advisor isn't about that. It's about never letting the mirror drop, so that you can always see yourself clearly--as a compass.
It's about giving others the chance to be honest about who they are and what they truly want out of their lives. It's about confronting the hard & sticky parts of lives through tears and over cups of hot tea. It's about looking for the signs from Spirit, asking the hard questions, reminding each other of who we truly are, what we truly desire, why you were born into this life. Even if today, you’re unsure...
I guess for me there's a lot on this that i'll take to the altar. I still need a safer space than the inter web to air it all out. I still need to be with my safe people on this issue until I'm ready to move forward, away from the bullshit. I feel Like I‘m in a place where my safe people and places no longer feel that way; I feel like I’m in the middle of a few crossroads; I feel like I might be the only one looking out for my own best interest anymore. But then again, I'm the only one who can say what my best interest is.
Most of the times when I find myself somewhere I no longer belong, it's because somewhere along the road I betrayed myself; I've lied to myself, I doubted my intuitive voice or acted out in plain desperation. But eventually that compass re-calibrates and I remember my own true north. I remember that I love myself too much to ever fake myself into something I do not want to become.
I'm past the point in my life when I want to fake anything. I want raw, and uncut. I don't want business casual—I want bralettes and athleisure. I don't want to be the only brown face at the table. I don't want to bite my tongue. I'm done selling myself short and agreeing for the sake of "copacetic".
The truth is that I am not for everyone--and everyone is not for me. Discernment means faking it until I can make my next "power move". It means that until I know how I want to move forward with my bullshit, I will continue to let it fuel me, inspire my art & allow me to re-calibrate. And I will continue to be honest about how much it stinks...